Monthly News Letter (August Conclusion)

Exhibit Minecraft
Monthly News Letter

Issued: 01-09-2017
August Conclusion

Written by Mondeo
As forced to suggested by Origin


- Introduction
- Crew Nights: events, winners, new arrivals and honourable mentions
- Monthly Votes
- Announcements
- Mondeo's Poppin' Puns
- Mondeo's Monthly Pointer

Hello again, it's me, you're friendly Assistant Manager[*1]. And it's that time of the months again. NO NOT THAT TIME OF THE MONTH JESUS CHRIST GUYS. Newsletter time of the month! God...[*2]. So if you're new to eM (highly unlikely as we haven't had a new player since what feels like the dark ages), then this little segment (conveniently named "Introduction") will introduce you to what the News Letter is.
The NewsLetter is something that I am forced to write. willing writing every month. It usually is released on the 1st of each month, and it reflects the previous month. It's essentially a free ticket for me to talk as much crap as I can and swear as much as I can, whilst censoring words[*3].
Anyway, sit back, relax, read the newsletter and punch the babies if they keep crying and disturbing you![*4].

Crew Nights: events, winners, new arrivals and honourable mentions
Crew Night of 5/08/2017
This Crew Night consisted of two events. Firstly, Bread Wars.
Now I know I know what you're thinking "Jesus f*cking christ Mondeo have you not though of something else to do instead of that sh*t? I waited a week and I get this bullsh*t of a game?" Hear me out. We actually changed it. And by "we" I mean me. I'm going to cut straight down to the point and tell you who won this game. It was Myself and Tiny. Why did we win? Because we're f*cking gods a PvP. No I'm joking we're not Gods. Well I am Tiny isn't but never mind that. [*5]. Honestly, we didn't have to do much. Everyone else did what ever they were doing and killed each other off. Me and Tiny played janitor and cleaned up the last two or three people. We didn't really win anything for this.
Secondly we did Sumo. Who Won? No fucking clue. I forgot to save the document again so... my bad.[*5]. Due to this, no one won a prize. Sorry guys.
Crew Night of 12/08/2017
Okay so this Crew Night was a rollercoaster of emotions. We only thought there would be what, like 3 people? We managed to get 8 people online to join UHC. The premise of UHC is simple. You don't regenerate. However, there is a final heal, and that final heal happens just before the grace period ends (when PvP is finally enabled). How many people made it through the grace period? 4. F*cking 4. 50% of the event participators were wiped out before the grace period because they're all sh*te.[*6]. In all fairness, I would've been apart of that 50% if I hadn't of decided to block myself up in cobble until day came.[*7]. So, Grace Period ended and I thawed out of my cobble cage. I carried on finding the exit for the cave. As I was leaving, I hear a sword swing. Time slowed down. I feel the cold iron of a sword swiping my back. Sh*t fell out of my shorts (I was going commando). I turned around and swung like I was playing 1.8. It was Origin. My heart beated, my body sweated, my arse shat. I went for a swing. It landed. THANK FULLY HE WAS ON LOW HP SO I ONE BANGED THE SLY LIL' B*TCH. Of course I bragged about beating the owner (which isn't hard, he's pretty crap if I do say so myself). However, as soon as I left the cave, there were zombies left right and centre. Obviously they looked at me like Rae and red d*cks[*8] and jumped for me. They really f*cked me up.
ANYHOW. It was now Lime Vs. Lionehh. Without further ado, I present to you a convenient little comic that explains how sh*t went down.[*9]
So essentially, if you haven't picked up what this amazing comic is saying, even though it's pretty simple, I'll explain.
Lion and Shane were wandering around the same Hill for a good 20-30 seconds, without knowing that they were DIRECTLY behind each other, not realising THAT THE OTHER GUY WAS RIGHT THERE. The spectators were really god damn annoyed like "OH. WHA-.. ARE YOU GU-? YOU GOTTA BE F*CKING KIDDIN' ME?!??" Eventually they realised that the other person was there. The spectators got tense. Lionehh ran at Shane. We screamed. Lionehh drew an item. After 30 seconds of pissing ourselves with excitement, something was about to happen. Lion ran, he drew an item... He placed it on the floor. Water flooded the entire area. ... . Nothing happened. WE WAITING FOR THE ENTIRE GOD DAMN GAME, TO WATCH LION PLACE A BIT OF WATER? LIKE B*TCH? GET KILLING. Shane started to chase Lion (who of course sh*t himself). Lion began to ran. Zombies, skeletons, creepers and spiders popped up from the depths of hell and started to chase Lion. Shane didn't really do much, the mobs did most of the work. Lion died. Shane won. He didn't win anything because he always wins something and it's bullsh*t. Lion deserved that win.
Crew Night of 19/08/2017
On the 19th we did a Spleef Tournament. This tournament lasted a solid 30 minutes (great event). We done a Spleef Tournament and to be honest this one wasn't a GREAT event (mainly because I hosted this on my own). Mert (JustPlay) won, and he'll get his prize when ever he next logs in.
Actually, something funny was Shane getting triggered because he lost. He then went to play PUBG. Salty lil sausage.

Monthly Votes
This month, Lionehh and MathiasFrandndeneneneneennensen won top voter!
Due to this, Lion won Omega Rank!
However, Mathias did not win anything (considering he's won everything that was possible to win).
However, we have news for this Month's top voter... This month the top voter will get a £10 voucher of their choosing (converted into their own currency). You could have a voucher for our donor store, or a voucher for Steam! It's all up to you! So guys, get voting!

I'm gay.
No this is a joke, I'm very straight. (No offense to Homos, you're awesome. Well some of you aren't, but that's not because you're a homo that's because you've probably done something horrible but. Jesus I'll stop talking about this now).
Firstly, Crew Nights. Crew nights will be a monthly thing now, it will only have once a month as opposed to once a week. There are several reasons for this which I won't really get into. If you'd like to know, slide into my PMs.
I know I know you all love Crew Night, but i'm sorry, for now the decision has been made. If you don't like this then take the following steps:
1) Write down your concerns on a bit of paper. Make sure it's neat!
2) Fold it up to a small bit of paper.
3) Shove it up your ar*e.
No no I'm joking. Slide into my PMs if you wanna complain about it, and we'll see what happens.

Mondeo's poppin' puns
I robbed a store in a frog costume the other night. It was the first crime I KERMITTED.

Mondeo's Monthly Pointer
Life has no meaning, until you give it one.
[*1]: If you question my friendlyness you should question whether your life is worth living because I'm the friendliest guy ever and I will hurt you if you question it.
[*2]: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
[*3]: Although the censoring of words aren't very great (I mean you can see the f*cking word and clearly what it is), it's the thought that counts... right guys?
[*4]: exhibit Minecraft does not incite violence in any shape, way or form. Except if it's in Bread Wars. Then hack the sh*t out of every other enemy that exists. Do not disappoint the Bread God.
[*5]: As a "journalist" it is my responsibility to tell the truth. I am not a god at PvP. Just look like one compared to Tiny. (No I'm joking she would take me on a 1 on 1 like I was a f*cking midget and she was Floyd Mayweather.
[*6]: Don't feel bad.
[*8]: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
[*9]: As drawn by gallacticllama.
Community Manager and  should-be professional comedian.

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